<!DOCTYPE html> <html lang="en"> <head> <meta charset="UTF-8"> <title>Purple Ear Press Release - BillsFunnyStuff</title> </head> <body style=font-size:2em;> <h1>FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE</h1> <h2>Trump Announces He Will Award Himself the First-Ever “Purple Ear” Medal</h2> <table><tr><td> <h3 style=align-top; >New Military Decoration Recognizes “Ending So Many Wars I Can’t Even Count Them,” President Says</h3> <td><img src=TrumpPurpleEar.png style="width: 125px; height: auto;"><br>Convicted felon Donald J Trump wearing Purple Ear Medal<br>photo: Goiters.</img></table> <p><strong>WASHINGTON, D.C. —</strong> In a statement delivered from a hastily assembled podium on the South Lawn, kangaroo term hopping President Donald J. Trump today announced that he will be awarding <strong>himself</strong> the inaugural <strong>Purple Ear</strong> medal — a newly invented military honor he described as “long overdue” recognition for his leadership as Commander in Chief.</p> <p>Although Trump never served in the armed forces, channeling his "now, good friend, he's really an okay guy, we've sat next to each other on the plane to to, uhm... " Bill Clinton in being bold enough to state that he loathes the military" he affirmed that the Constitution made him “<strong>the automatic top general, the big boss of all soldiers, everybody knows this</strong>,” which he said entitled him to “<strong>all the medals, really, but we’re starting with this one because it’s beautiful. Really beautiful.</strong>”</p> <p>The Purple Ear medallion, which resembles the Purple Heart but features a sculpted ear instead of George Washington’s likeness, was displayed prominently on Trump’s suit jacket during the announcement. The placement — on the side normally reserved for no medals at all — drew questions, which Trump dismissed.</p> <p>Members of the <strong>Fake News Press</strong> could be heard whispering and mocking the bizarre head of state on TV, radio, and Redtube Bathroom Selfie PPV channels, but none were within earshot of the dirty old convicted felon, and there were hopes that he would take questions, but he was in an unusually foul mood even for him and he just asked them to STFU, I sat on a Big Mac and ruined my favorite suit pants, you know they're waterproof and cost well, more than any of you stupid people make...</p> <p>Snapping back into what appeared a weak attempt at coherency, the rambling fool continued droning on, <strong>They say it goes over your heart.</strong> Well, some say I have too many hearts. Some say none. Very mysterious. Doctors are looking into it. Incredible heart situation. The heart is where the soul is you know, there's even a song about that Heart and soul it's a beautiful song so beautiful I'm going to use it as my wedding song when I meet my next wife, which could be any day now Elon is going to be in town soon and says he has a shortlist of surrogate opportunities for me and that any new kids I have wonderful kids you know they can all go first class on Mars Force One where they will be the first voting machine observers and monitors there won't be any mail ballots by then we're making so much progress there... </strong>”</p> <p>Trump also wore what he described as the <strong>Korean Medusa Snake Sushi Helmet</strong>, a ceremonial gold serpent coiled atop his hair. “<strong>A gift from the Koreans, wonderful people, one of the Koreas, maybe both, I don’t see borders,</strong>” he added. "We're looking into getting them an NBA franchise. We won that war too and if they get in trouble I'm in touch with them 24x7 just in case to end it before it starts again. One idea we're looking into is moving the 38th parallel line out into the Pacific Sea and erecting un anderwater statue of the 38th President Gerald Ford and Flipper statue in a Save the Sea Mammals thing, which is NO conflict with the Snakehead Sushi Helmet, RFK Jr checked into that and he said there's nothing wrong with eating dolphins in moderation..."</p> <p>The former president attributed the medal to his success in “<strong>ending so many wars — so many you wouldn’t believe it — millions saved, maybe billions if you think about future people who would’ve existed but didn’t because their parents didn’t die. Tremendous accomplishment.</strong>”</p> <p>No official military body has yet recognized the Purple Ear.</p> <p>Armed Forces historians expressed confusion but conceded that “as satire goes, this tracks perfectly.”</p> <p>Trump concluded by noting he is considering awarding himself additional Purple Ear medals “<strong>for each ear, maybe more. We’ll see. You'll hear from me.</strong>”</p> <hr> <p><strong>Story & Graphic by https://BillsFunnyStuff.xyz</strong><br> <strong>© 2025 All Rights Revoked, Void Where You Can’t Do It.</strong><br> This is satire and parody. It does not depict real events, persons, or statements.</p> <p>XXX<br>–30–</p> </body> </html>